Cancer free!

So, again with the excuses...sorry for the long time between posts.  I think I just need to come to a realization, that this is not going to be a regular thing! 

NEWS!  We are cancer free!  After my surgery, we got results that my margins were completely clean and there was no need for radiation!  GREAT NEWS!  THANK YOU LORD!  We still have a few small surgeries left this year, but nothing major at all.  In and out!  I have been back at the office for a full month and am having great success.  3 offers so far and hopefully still counting.  It feels good to be back.  Work is work!  I actually enjoy my stressful job!

I actually just got off of the phone with one of my consultants and he reminded me that I had not updated my blog! 

Our new life.  I keep saying over and over that I am lucky to have gotten this wake up call so early in life.  It has been hard, don't get me wrong, but I am a much better person now.  I feel that I handle stress better, am more positive, and just take the time to make sure I am living my life the way that I WANT TO!  THANK YOU!

Liam and Matt are great too!  Liam is growing up so fast and Matt and I are enjoying all of it!  Matt is doing great at work and is a busy body at home as usual.  I am so lucky to have a husband that enjoys fixing up this cute house of ours!  He has demolished our basement and is refinishing it for a playroom for our little man.  It is looking great!!!  If anyone has recommendations for basement flooring or kid friendly lighting let us know!

We are celebrating a bunch of birthdays this month too!  Liam is going to be 2!!!  I will be 28, and my mom, well, she is another year older!  Liam chose a rock n roll snowman party this year.  It is going to be EPIC! 

Stay tuned for more!

Sorry it took so long!

It has been 2 full months since our last post.  SORRY!  It has been one hectic time for us all.  Blogging more is one of those things that I want to do more.  I have a few excuses for the long time period this time.  One, Gmail put me in jail!  During all of the craziness in the beginning of our breast cancer challenge, I had some moments where my brain just wasn't working!  I forgot my password and Gmail locked me out.  I had my college email as the spare email for them to send my password to...and IT IS CLOSED.  Well, the next step was to answer the Gmail questionairre to reset my password.  I FAILED! TWICE!!!  My gmail account is connected to everything that I own on the internet!  I was stranded:)  Then, all of a sudden a few weeks later, I remembered my password.  At this point, I got out of the routine of posting.  SORRY!  I am back!!!

During the last couple of months, I have had 4 chemo sessions so I am over half way finished!!!  The first session was awful!  It felt like the worst vodka hangover I have ever had.  My mom and brother were here to help us out during that week of hell.  They seriously helped us get through that week.  We were so nervous at that point as to how the chemo would effect me.  The doctor said that there is a high correlation to serious nausea if you had pretty bad morning sickness during pregnancy.  Due to the fact that I was sick with Liam until month 6...I thought I would be throwing up every minute of the day.  I HAVEN'T THROWN UP YET:) I was still pretty sick and exhausted for the first session.  Each session has gotten to be a little more manageable.  I think the first was worst because we didn't know what to expect.  We have found that I am sick Monday though Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are better, and then the weekend(after Matt MAKES me get out), I feel so much better.  The 2 weeks after, other than being pretty tired occasionally, I feel normal.  If my hair wasn't gone, I wouldn't even know!  I am extremely thankful for all of these normal days!  

We have had so much help through out this challenge in our lives.  Friends and family have jumped out of the woodwork.  We have had meals delivered on a regular basis, YUMMY!  We have had visits from friends and family! We have had gorgeous cards and art sent to us!  Most importantly, we have had a lot of prayers and positive thoughts sent our way.  It is working.  We have had nothing but good news so far, since the diagnosis.  Chemo is working, I am handling much better than expected, and we are still happy!  I had some moments in the beginning where I didn't think I would ever feel happy again.  All of your thoughts, Matt's loving way of dealing with me, and Liam's smile has got me back to normal!  Thank you!  I love you all dearly.  

A recent update is that I had a catscan last Monday because I had some bone pain in my chest.  The doctor said that he wasn't worried about it, but he thought it was a good idea to run a scan anyway.  Having to wait for scan results is brutal.  They got me in that day and I got the results back an hour later.  There were NO signs of new concern and my tumor is shrinking drastically.  It is running scared and it is going to continue to do so!!!  Please pray for cancer to continue to run crying!  

I just lost steam...  More to come tomorrow!!!

Just know that we are doing great!

Tomorrow is another day...

So tomorrow is our first chemo session of the six that I will have.  I say our, because it really just isn't me at all.  I have had so much support and help from countless people.  I am so blessed and just thankful for all of it.  I COULD NOT do this without it.  Just knowing that there are people out there that are thinking, hoping, praying, and wishing for a happier time again is really making this bearable. 

Matt has been, yet again, a perfect husband.  I could not ask for a better partner in crime.  He really knows what to say to me at any moment.  Regardless of what I am feeling...bitter, mad, bitter, sad, bitter, scared, thankful, happy, bitter, scared, mad, thankful, nervous...and over and over.  It has been really hard this weekend.  I find myself looking around for other people with cancer and I don't see anyone anywhere.  I just really want to have my perfect life back.  I forget what it feels like to not have this gnawing feeling of anxiety there.  A feeling that is just a boulder in the pit of my stomach.  No matter what we are doing...it is just there.  I just don't feel like myself...  I just can't get that giddy feeling back that I love.  I feel like I almost get there and then...crash and burn.  Don't get me wrong...my life is still a blessing.  It is just not the way that it used to be.  I just can't remember what it feels like to not have a constant worry.  Our biggest worry prior to this was the color of tile that we were going to use in our new kitchen.  The kitchen that is now being put on hold because of this...like everything else. I am feeling very angry right now.  I was reading this article about another survivor last night.  She was talking about how scary it was to find out that she had breast cancer at such a young age.  I got angry at her because she was 38...that is a whole 11 years more that she had without this worry.  I know that it was also a very awful time for her...I KNOW, but I still just got a little jealous and bitter.  Do I feel good about that?  NO!  I feel awful about those thoughts, but I just can't get past that bitter and angry feeling.  I know that NO ONE deserves this and that there are a lot of people in much worse situations, but this is MY situation and I am not happy about it.  I need to get past this so I can make peace with it.  IT IS HAPPENING!  IT IS!  I am just so sick of hearing, oh...you are so young, or oh...you are just a baby...or oh...that just isn't fair...REALLY!?  I know that. Believe me, I do.  I think about it every minute of every day.  Especially when I look at the cutest baby on the planet. 

Whooo!  I surprisingly feel better.  I am doing this.  I have stopped saying I am going to do this...I AM doing this.  It is here.  Tomorrow, is the first session to kick this cancer in the balls!  We are going to do this.  Everyone around me is affected by this and we will all get through it.  WE WILL!  I now need to try to think about the positive things that are going to come out of this.  I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED!  This is a gift.  Every little thing in life is precious.  I will take this as a blessing.  I am thankful for everything that I have been given.  I am continuing to pray every minute for the strength, patience, willpower, peace, understanding, trust, and healing power to be able to live a better life when this is over.  There are so many things that I want to do now.  Things that I should have been doing before.

A day with a little better news...

You know...it is early in the morning again...I can't seem to sleep until the alarm anymore...however...I woke up a couple hours later today:)

I really want to thank everyone for all of their prayer and support. I am trying so hard to think of the positive things that are going to come out of this and give my worry to God. It is hard as I am an incredibly controlling person...but...it must be done. Thank you all so much. Prayer works so please keep it up:) I am going to get through this, but it will be a long road. I get so excited about that moment when we are going to get the pathology report back and it is free of cancer...then the next minute I remember all of the possibilities and the steps that we will be taking. It is going to be hard, but I am a fighter!!! I will do whatever necessary to stay on this earth with these 2 wonderful men in my life and all of you!

This past weekend was the longest weekend that Matt and I have ever experienced. We have never been so excited...yet scared for a Monday. Counting down the hours trying to enjoy the minutes that we have. We cried a lot, practiced our breathing, cried some more, told each other we loved one another way more than normal, and kissed our little boy a little more than he could handle! Liam was and has been excellent through this. As much as I tried to hide the crying, he still caught a glimpse of it and he knew what I needed. He knew that at that very moment, his mommy needed the biggest hug ever. Each hug seemed to get stronger. He is my heart and always will be. He is my light at the end of this long tunnel that has been put in front of us. I love you baby! ALWAYS!!!

Monday rolls around and we decided that it would be a nice kick in cancer's pants if I went back to work, at least before the treatment. Luckily, Matt and I work in the same area of St. Louis, so we are able to commute together at times. It was really helpful when I was pregnant, but we stopped due to Matt's schedule at times. Now that he is a supervisor, I am hoping that he will be able to leave more consistently:) So, I walked into the building, was fine, knocked on our door, was fine, walked to my desk, got a little nervous, and then, my friend Mike asked me how I was feeling...crash and burn! I started sobbing. I of course apologized and he did too, even though he didn't have a reason. I was just a mess. I continued crying off and on for about 2 hours. I met with my boss for a little over an hour and then our HR Manager, a good friend, came in as well. She cried with me. My boss is being incredibly supportive and has taken quite a bit of stress away. My insurance is through me so there really isn't an option to take time off right now. I of course have leave, but I can't just take the year off. Anyway, it got quite a lot better after that meeting. I sat there and wrote an email to all of my contractors and got some pretty surprising emails back. One of my contractors was diagnosed with stage 3b hodgkins when he was 24 surprisingly. He made it through while working and has been great! A lot of well wishes and prayer were sent as well. It is a big help to see and hear them. I know that people are doing it, but it is a nice reminder:) I also got an email from a consultant that I started working with recently and she said that her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago at the age of 26, 6 months after she had her second child. She is also doing great.

Matt sent me a text asking me out on a date prior to our appointment, of course I said yes. I always feel so much better when he is around. We ate at a little Mexican place. This is a good thing too, because when I start chemo they recommend to eat bland food due to possible mouth sores as well as the nausea. I love Thai food! I will have it again:) While Matt and I sat there, we decided that no matter what news we got...we would get through it. There is such a strong bond between us. He has been amazing through it all. I am not saying that he hasn't had his moments because he is scared too, but I am so glad that it is me and not him. I don't know where I would pull that strength from. I love you.

We get to the appointment and everyone was very friendly. This office seemed to be a little more at a slower pace. We both felt a little more comfortable there. They took my info, my picture, and then we headed back to the room. Dr. Naughton came in and was great! He stayed with us for over an hour and we didn't feel rushed at all. We asked a ton of questions and he gave straight answers. Doctors don't give false hope...but he had a ton of hope so that was great!!! He said he is not worried about the places on my bone for now. He said that they are two key places that get fractured and it would be very odd. Especially that it didn't cooberate with the CT Scan. It is possible...but he said unlikely. HOPE! He also said that my cancer is a little bit less aggressive than it can be in younger women. HOPE! I am at a grade 2 and there is a 3... I just looked for the paper that he wrote the actual type on..and I we don't have it. I will post it again later after I call. It is not HER it was a different kind...sorry. He said that it normally responds to the hormone therapy well also. I will get it to you all. This is still a very scary situation and it just hit me again as I am writing this. Please continue to pray that it does not spread and get into ANY of my organs or bone. It could still spread during chemo, which I didn't know until Sunday and I had a pretty bad day until I talked to another survivor. He said the goal is a cure. He spoke of a couple of clinical trials, but that would require us to do surgery first and then chemo later and Matt and I want to kill all of this now! PLEASE GOD take over my body and kill these cancer cells!!!

Our plan now:
Thursday: I have my chemo port put in and then they will take lymphnodes out to test them. Please continue to pray that it is not there! They are hopeful, but they are looking for microscopic evidence and just because there aren't swollen nodes, doesn't mean it isn't there. PRAY!!!

Monday: I will start chemo. I am incredibly nervous and yet excited to get this process started. I will lose my hair, be incredibly sick, and tired. He said that a lot of people still work so that is good. We are going to do chemo 1 time every 3 weeks. I will go on a Monday during chemo week and then have Tuesday and Wednesday off to recooperate. Hopefully I will be able to work that Thursday and Friday. This will give more time in between treatments for us to live normally...without hair! We were going to do every 2 weeks but he said that it just as effective at 3 weeks and there is a glitch in the insurance system where they get you on the shots afterward. You have to take a shot to help your bone marrow grow back and increase the cell count. This shot at the 3 week time frame is the day after. If we were to go every 2 weeks, I would have to go back for 7 consecutive days after the treatment to get the shot. By that time, I would be doing it all over again. Insurance companies will not pay for the one shot dosage unless your visits are at least over 14 days apart. Now believe me... I told him not to skimp on me and that I wanted ALL of it to get over it, but he reassured us that the efficacy is the same:) This is also good news because we will be able to have 2 weeks where we aren't doing anything accept living our lives!

After 18 weeks of chemo I will be having a mastectomy. The surgeon and doctor recommended at least the left breast where the lump is because of the size...but Matt and I have decided to do a double mastectomy. The risk of getting this again is just not worth it. Plus...they are going to give me fake boobs! I told Matt that he can pick them out. He can have whatever he has ever desired! They also said that they can do the reconstruction from my belly fat...yeah tummy tuck!!! We are trying to stay positive and have fun with it. It is a card that we have been dealt unfortunately, but I do believe that everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Matt and I will appreciate each other more, we will not take things for granted and we will not be worried about silly things that don't matter. Matt also made a very good point...I always wanted to have one baby and then adopt the other sex. He said that this could be the reason. There could be a little baby out there that needs a Mommy, Daddy, and perfect big brother. I also think that this has brought me back to God. I have always been religious, but I have been slacking over the last few years. I am trying to give all my worry to God! TAKE IT AND TAKE THIS BODY AND CLEAN IT ALL OUT LORD! Knowing that he is walking with me is helping every step.

When we got home last night, we got a large visit from a group of our neighbors. They had very encouraging words and said that they would help in any way that they could. We will need it so THANK YOU! One of the women that lives across the street from us was having her 6 year cancer free anniversary yesterday! She came over and talked to me. It was a big help. I put her picture at the race last year on my fridge. Also...a painting company put an advertisement on our door to go look at a paint job at a neighbors house. The advertisement looked like a paint swatch...ALL IN THE COLOR PINK!!! CRAZY and I definitely took that as a sign that we will get though this!

Please continue to think good thoughts. We are doing out best, but we do have some pretty hectic and scary moments at times. Knowing that you all are sharing our worry and thinking good thoughts are a great help! We love you all!

Stay tuned!

Scared

I woke up this morning with it happening all over again.  I did the same thing yesterday.  It seems as if I haven't thought about it for awhile...then all of that time comes back at once.  I want so bad to get through this.  I don't care at all about losing these boobs at all.  I just want the cancer to stay there so we can treat it.  I just did a little reading online and I shouldn't have.  I am now freaked out.  I want to KNOW that I am going to be ok, but it isn't possible.  All I KNOW is that I will do everything in MY power to get over this because I seriously love my life.  I had absolutely no complaints until Wednesday.  There are so many different things out there to treat cancer...but what if we don't choose the right one for me?  What if it comes back?  I have been a very healthy person for most of my life.  I am just in shock about this.  Had I known that there was a possibility of me getting cancer without having it in my family I would have been checking...  My mind is racing right now.  I need my boys, and they need me.  I am angry!  I start to think about the end result and how happy we are going to be with the cancer gone.  I get so excited...but then...it all comes back.  I start thinking about the steps we have to take first and the millions of possibilities of other bad things that can happen.  I then get floored again.  It is like I am almost afraid of having a good minute because the feeling of these bricks coming down on me after is awful. 

I have been praying more in the last few days than I did for the last few years.  Maybe this is a sign from God that I need to trust in him and fully appreciate what I have.  I DO!  I PROMISE!  I love my life.  I could not be happier in a marriage.  Matt is perfect for me.  He knows me so well and really makes every day worth all of this pain I am going to go through.  My baby...Liam....is...my baby.  He is perfect.  I love him so much.  I can't imagine saying goodbye to my little guy.  He has been the biggest blessing for Matt and I.  He has such a happy little face and does some of the cutest things.  He has been easy too.  He of course creatively pushes his boundaries, but you know...when something that cute does something wrong...how can you be mad.  He is my heart and I don't want to let him go.  I love you both with it all!

I am trying to calm down my brain by writing it all down.  I know there are a ton of people that have survived this.  I want to be in that club.  I want to run in Komen with my boys next year cancer free and closer than ever.  I want to see Liam graduate high school and get married to the girl that I don't approve of.  I want to go back to Europe with Matt and see everything that we haven't.  I want to just sit on the front porch with Matt again, with no worries like we used to.  I want to have an appetite again.  I want to be able to be by myself without getting so scared.  I want to stop being jealous of healthy people.  I want to have a whole day where I don't cry.  I want to give my husband and son kisses without worrying about if this could be one of the last ones.  I really need them.  I REALLY NEED THEM!  Please God, make me healthy again and give me the strength, wisdom, and peace to get through this process.  I want to have that perfect life that you gave me back.

Day One as a Future Breast Cancer Survivor

It's been quite a while since our last post. Frankly, we haven't had much write about -- or maybe just too much to write about. We're in the throws of raising a child. We're doing all the things that we used to except now instead of John Bonham rhythms in my head all day, I've got Handy Manny's 3/2 clave theme song in my head. Parenthood has agrees with us, nicely... We've been incredibly happy...

... Until Wednesday.

A few weeks ago during the Susan G. Komen race weekend, Kristina was inspired to feel around for lumps. She found one. She showed it to me and honestly, we didn't think much of it. I told her to go see her doctor, just in case. But it's so unlikely to be anything of consequence... The CDC doesn't even recommend self examinations any more for women under 35 because there are just too many false positives.

So she scheduled an appointment. And even the day of, this past Wednesday, we didn't even consider breast cancer. I went to work, she went to the doctor. She had a couple tests, texted me a few times, increasingly a little more frightened. Then, just after lunch, she called. Before she could gather the breath to utter a word, I was out the door.

When I arrived at Barnes Jewish Community Hospital, the nurse immediately escorted me to a secluded cubical where she described the lump as a tumor, 3 cm in diameter at it's longest and repeated the word "suspicious" more times than I care to remember. When I finally saw Kristina, my heart broke. She'd been through the ringer. We hugged, and cried, and hugged, and cried.

The nurses and doctors were all incredible. They were incredibly supportive, but really didn't leave much opportunity for hope. Whatever they saw in the MRI and mammogram, didn't leave them much doubt, though a positive diagnosis couldn't be made without a biopsy. So we biopsied and waited.

We had an appointment already scheduled with our surgeon at 3:30pm on Friday. But we asked the nurse to call us as soon as the biopsy results were in. Not knowing when the results would get in, and not really wanting to be waiting at home for the news, we drove around. We were in the Galleria Mall when the nurse called. Kristina was listening and then handed the phone to me. To be honest, I can't remember the specifics of what she said - except that Kristina has breast cancer. Kristina's fears had become reality.

The nurse managed to immediately get us an appointment to get a full body nuclear cat scan and a full body bone scan. By the time all of the tests were complete, it was 3:30 - time to meet with the surgeon. So we rushed upstairs and waited. Several people arrived after we did, but were seen before us. I got the feeling this was by design. So that, as a new patient, we could spend as much time with the doctor as possible. There was a man in the waiting room who made my blood boil... He answered his cell in the otherwise-quiet waiting room on his bluetooth and spoke loud enough to fill a concert hall, let alone this tiny waiting room, full of people who didn't want to be there.

After everyone else had left, we saw the doctor. Dr. Morgantaylor called it Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, which means the cancer started in the milk duct, and spread outward infecting the rest of the breast. They were also suspicious of lympho/vascular invasion. However, the relative normal size of the lymph nodes is a good sign that it hasn't spread. On the bone scan there were two areas of interest: the tail bone, which the radiologist said could be an old injury (thank you roller derby), and a small dot on the sternum. The sternum could be concerning, however the cat scan did not corroborate, so the test is inconclusive. Usually, if it were cancerous, it would also show on the cat scan. So the oncologist will have to make a determination as to whether to biopsy or not.

It's a stage 2 breast cancer -- based solely on the size. If the sternum is also positive it would be considered stage 4.

So the next several months will be tough. We'll have to do surgery to biopsy the lymph nodes and install the stint which will be used for the chemo. Followed by four months of chemotherapy, mastectomy and radiation. It sucks. Frankly, it does. But I know Kristina will beat this thing, because that's what she does. A year from now, this thing will be behind us. And in June 2011 we will run as a family in the Komen race, closer than ever.

Liam's Birthday Party

Liam's birthday party was absolutely a day for the record books.  We had family traveling in from across the US, mommy and daddy's work friends, and some of our new neighbors over!  Liam had an excellent time with everyone!

I love planning events!  Once Matt and I came up with the theme that we wanted...the ideas started soaring!  Matt and I started the planning a couple months back so people would have time to make arrangements for the time off and travel and this included making our handmade invites!!!  Yes...Matt helped with this and honestly...his were WAY better than mine!  Our decorations were simple, but included balloons floating on the ceiling, a felt Happy Birthday banner, purchased not made(everyone kept asking me if I made it...and I wish I could say yes...but not enough patience), a painted stand up cardboard robot for the kids to get their pics with(45 min before), and fresh flowers left over from my birthday,.GOOD JOB DADDY!    We made Liam a robot cake and I do mean WE!  It took Julie, Matt and me to do this!  We ran out of icing at one point and when we returned...Lita helped as well!  She ate the whole piece that was going to be the feet!  Nice:)  We had a blast creating everything for him and hope he enjoys looking at the pics later:) 

We had a few activities for the kid's to do.  We made foam picture frames, Marshmallow robots, and took our pics inside the robot cutout.  We are printing the photos and will be bringing/walking them to your houses shortly!  All of the kids at Liam's party were so polite and really played well together even though the age ranges differed slightly:)  It was overall a fantastic day!!!

Liam devoured his cake.  He couldn't get enough!  He was not at all leery of it.  He started with the icing and worked his way through it with a vengeance.  He is such a beautiful boy and really a blessing. 

We asked that people send or bring handmade robots pictures for his scrapbooks in lieu of purchased cards.  It wasn't at all that we were expecting a card, it was just that if..a person was going to...we much rather have the time spent on a creation that is now a masterpiece in our house!!!  These turned out fantastic!!!  It was so exciting to see what everyone came up with.  Thank you!

So Liam is now 1, and I am still in denial about it.  His personality is really coming out.  He is such a cute kid and is so bubbly all of the time.  That may be a little over exaggerated...but he is an easy baby.  We are incredibly lucky and yes...WE DO APPRECIATE IT!:)  He finally started saying Ma Ma recently and makes my heart melt when he does.  I just noticed this evening that he has 4 teeth now.  I thought he only had 2 nubbins on the bottom, but he has 2 on the top as well.  What else...  hmmm... oh...so Liam and I have been battling over him banging on the glass part to one of the wooden cabinets that Matt made.  He seriously looks at me a smiles while he runs over to it and bangs as hard as he can.  He actually got his first time out today!  We make a point to not yell at him at all and are not smacking his hand either.  We are trying to just tell him no touch and tonight I held his arms at his side for a solid 30 sec that felt like hours.  He struggled and then I think I broke him of it at least for this evening.  I think he knows I mean business when I whisper in his ear.  It works much better than yelling at him....so far anyway:)  We will see what happens next!!!  Who knows?

So this turned into kind of a rambling mess, but overall...we have had a great first year with our little dude and couldn't be happier!!!