A day with a little better news...

You know...it is early in the morning again...I can't seem to sleep until the alarm anymore...however...I woke up a couple hours later today:)

I really want to thank everyone for all of their prayer and support. I am trying so hard to think of the positive things that are going to come out of this and give my worry to God. It is hard as I am an incredibly controlling person...but...it must be done. Thank you all so much. Prayer works so please keep it up:) I am going to get through this, but it will be a long road. I get so excited about that moment when we are going to get the pathology report back and it is free of cancer...then the next minute I remember all of the possibilities and the steps that we will be taking. It is going to be hard, but I am a fighter!!! I will do whatever necessary to stay on this earth with these 2 wonderful men in my life and all of you!

This past weekend was the longest weekend that Matt and I have ever experienced. We have never been so excited...yet scared for a Monday. Counting down the hours trying to enjoy the minutes that we have. We cried a lot, practiced our breathing, cried some more, told each other we loved one another way more than normal, and kissed our little boy a little more than he could handle! Liam was and has been excellent through this. As much as I tried to hide the crying, he still caught a glimpse of it and he knew what I needed. He knew that at that very moment, his mommy needed the biggest hug ever. Each hug seemed to get stronger. He is my heart and always will be. He is my light at the end of this long tunnel that has been put in front of us. I love you baby! ALWAYS!!!

Monday rolls around and we decided that it would be a nice kick in cancer's pants if I went back to work, at least before the treatment. Luckily, Matt and I work in the same area of St. Louis, so we are able to commute together at times. It was really helpful when I was pregnant, but we stopped due to Matt's schedule at times. Now that he is a supervisor, I am hoping that he will be able to leave more consistently:) So, I walked into the building, was fine, knocked on our door, was fine, walked to my desk, got a little nervous, and then, my friend Mike asked me how I was feeling...crash and burn! I started sobbing. I of course apologized and he did too, even though he didn't have a reason. I was just a mess. I continued crying off and on for about 2 hours. I met with my boss for a little over an hour and then our HR Manager, a good friend, came in as well. She cried with me. My boss is being incredibly supportive and has taken quite a bit of stress away. My insurance is through me so there really isn't an option to take time off right now. I of course have leave, but I can't just take the year off. Anyway, it got quite a lot better after that meeting. I sat there and wrote an email to all of my contractors and got some pretty surprising emails back. One of my contractors was diagnosed with stage 3b hodgkins when he was 24 surprisingly. He made it through while working and has been great! A lot of well wishes and prayer were sent as well. It is a big help to see and hear them. I know that people are doing it, but it is a nice reminder:) I also got an email from a consultant that I started working with recently and she said that her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago at the age of 26, 6 months after she had her second child. She is also doing great.

Matt sent me a text asking me out on a date prior to our appointment, of course I said yes. I always feel so much better when he is around. We ate at a little Mexican place. This is a good thing too, because when I start chemo they recommend to eat bland food due to possible mouth sores as well as the nausea. I love Thai food! I will have it again:) While Matt and I sat there, we decided that no matter what news we got...we would get through it. There is such a strong bond between us. He has been amazing through it all. I am not saying that he hasn't had his moments because he is scared too, but I am so glad that it is me and not him. I don't know where I would pull that strength from. I love you.

We get to the appointment and everyone was very friendly. This office seemed to be a little more at a slower pace. We both felt a little more comfortable there. They took my info, my picture, and then we headed back to the room. Dr. Naughton came in and was great! He stayed with us for over an hour and we didn't feel rushed at all. We asked a ton of questions and he gave straight answers. Doctors don't give false hope...but he had a ton of hope so that was great!!! He said he is not worried about the places on my bone for now. He said that they are two key places that get fractured and it would be very odd. Especially that it didn't cooberate with the CT Scan. It is possible...but he said unlikely. HOPE! He also said that my cancer is a little bit less aggressive than it can be in younger women. HOPE! I am at a grade 2 and there is a 3... I just looked for the paper that he wrote the actual type on..and I we don't have it. I will post it again later after I call. It is not HER it was a different kind...sorry. He said that it normally responds to the hormone therapy well also. I will get it to you all. This is still a very scary situation and it just hit me again as I am writing this. Please continue to pray that it does not spread and get into ANY of my organs or bone. It could still spread during chemo, which I didn't know until Sunday and I had a pretty bad day until I talked to another survivor. He said the goal is a cure. He spoke of a couple of clinical trials, but that would require us to do surgery first and then chemo later and Matt and I want to kill all of this now! PLEASE GOD take over my body and kill these cancer cells!!!

Our plan now:
Thursday: I have my chemo port put in and then they will take lymphnodes out to test them. Please continue to pray that it is not there! They are hopeful, but they are looking for microscopic evidence and just because there aren't swollen nodes, doesn't mean it isn't there. PRAY!!!

Monday: I will start chemo. I am incredibly nervous and yet excited to get this process started. I will lose my hair, be incredibly sick, and tired. He said that a lot of people still work so that is good. We are going to do chemo 1 time every 3 weeks. I will go on a Monday during chemo week and then have Tuesday and Wednesday off to recooperate. Hopefully I will be able to work that Thursday and Friday. This will give more time in between treatments for us to live normally...without hair! We were going to do every 2 weeks but he said that it just as effective at 3 weeks and there is a glitch in the insurance system where they get you on the shots afterward. You have to take a shot to help your bone marrow grow back and increase the cell count. This shot at the 3 week time frame is the day after. If we were to go every 2 weeks, I would have to go back for 7 consecutive days after the treatment to get the shot. By that time, I would be doing it all over again. Insurance companies will not pay for the one shot dosage unless your visits are at least over 14 days apart. Now believe me... I told him not to skimp on me and that I wanted ALL of it to get over it, but he reassured us that the efficacy is the same:) This is also good news because we will be able to have 2 weeks where we aren't doing anything accept living our lives!

After 18 weeks of chemo I will be having a mastectomy. The surgeon and doctor recommended at least the left breast where the lump is because of the size...but Matt and I have decided to do a double mastectomy. The risk of getting this again is just not worth it. Plus...they are going to give me fake boobs! I told Matt that he can pick them out. He can have whatever he has ever desired! They also said that they can do the reconstruction from my belly fat...yeah tummy tuck!!! We are trying to stay positive and have fun with it. It is a card that we have been dealt unfortunately, but I do believe that everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Matt and I will appreciate each other more, we will not take things for granted and we will not be worried about silly things that don't matter. Matt also made a very good point...I always wanted to have one baby and then adopt the other sex. He said that this could be the reason. There could be a little baby out there that needs a Mommy, Daddy, and perfect big brother. I also think that this has brought me back to God. I have always been religious, but I have been slacking over the last few years. I am trying to give all my worry to God! TAKE IT AND TAKE THIS BODY AND CLEAN IT ALL OUT LORD! Knowing that he is walking with me is helping every step.

When we got home last night, we got a large visit from a group of our neighbors. They had very encouraging words and said that they would help in any way that they could. We will need it so THANK YOU! One of the women that lives across the street from us was having her 6 year cancer free anniversary yesterday! She came over and talked to me. It was a big help. I put her picture at the race last year on my fridge. Also...a painting company put an advertisement on our door to go look at a paint job at a neighbors house. The advertisement looked like a paint swatch...ALL IN THE COLOR PINK!!! CRAZY and I definitely took that as a sign that we will get though this!

Please continue to think good thoughts. We are doing out best, but we do have some pretty hectic and scary moments at times. Knowing that you all are sharing our worry and thinking good thoughts are a great help! We love you all!

Stay tuned!