Scared

I woke up this morning with it happening all over again.  I did the same thing yesterday.  It seems as if I haven't thought about it for awhile...then all of that time comes back at once.  I want so bad to get through this.  I don't care at all about losing these boobs at all.  I just want the cancer to stay there so we can treat it.  I just did a little reading online and I shouldn't have.  I am now freaked out.  I want to KNOW that I am going to be ok, but it isn't possible.  All I KNOW is that I will do everything in MY power to get over this because I seriously love my life.  I had absolutely no complaints until Wednesday.  There are so many different things out there to treat cancer...but what if we don't choose the right one for me?  What if it comes back?  I have been a very healthy person for most of my life.  I am just in shock about this.  Had I known that there was a possibility of me getting cancer without having it in my family I would have been checking...  My mind is racing right now.  I need my boys, and they need me.  I am angry!  I start to think about the end result and how happy we are going to be with the cancer gone.  I get so excited...but then...it all comes back.  I start thinking about the steps we have to take first and the millions of possibilities of other bad things that can happen.  I then get floored again.  It is like I am almost afraid of having a good minute because the feeling of these bricks coming down on me after is awful. 

I have been praying more in the last few days than I did for the last few years.  Maybe this is a sign from God that I need to trust in him and fully appreciate what I have.  I DO!  I PROMISE!  I love my life.  I could not be happier in a marriage.  Matt is perfect for me.  He knows me so well and really makes every day worth all of this pain I am going to go through.  My baby...Liam....is...my baby.  He is perfect.  I love him so much.  I can't imagine saying goodbye to my little guy.  He has been the biggest blessing for Matt and I.  He has such a happy little face and does some of the cutest things.  He has been easy too.  He of course creatively pushes his boundaries, but you know...when something that cute does something wrong...how can you be mad.  He is my heart and I don't want to let him go.  I love you both with it all!

I am trying to calm down my brain by writing it all down.  I know there are a ton of people that have survived this.  I want to be in that club.  I want to run in Komen with my boys next year cancer free and closer than ever.  I want to see Liam graduate high school and get married to the girl that I don't approve of.  I want to go back to Europe with Matt and see everything that we haven't.  I want to just sit on the front porch with Matt again, with no worries like we used to.  I want to have an appetite again.  I want to be able to be by myself without getting so scared.  I want to stop being jealous of healthy people.  I want to have a whole day where I don't cry.  I want to give my husband and son kisses without worrying about if this could be one of the last ones.  I really need them.  I REALLY NEED THEM!  Please God, make me healthy again and give me the strength, wisdom, and peace to get through this process.  I want to have that perfect life that you gave me back.