Tomorrow is another day...

So tomorrow is our first chemo session of the six that I will have.  I say our, because it really just isn't me at all.  I have had so much support and help from countless people.  I am so blessed and just thankful for all of it.  I COULD NOT do this without it.  Just knowing that there are people out there that are thinking, hoping, praying, and wishing for a happier time again is really making this bearable. 

Matt has been, yet again, a perfect husband.  I could not ask for a better partner in crime.  He really knows what to say to me at any moment.  Regardless of what I am feeling...bitter, mad, bitter, sad, bitter, scared, thankful, happy, bitter, scared, mad, thankful, nervous...and over and over.  It has been really hard this weekend.  I find myself looking around for other people with cancer and I don't see anyone anywhere.  I just really want to have my perfect life back.  I forget what it feels like to not have this gnawing feeling of anxiety there.  A feeling that is just a boulder in the pit of my stomach.  No matter what we are doing...it is just there.  I just don't feel like myself...  I just can't get that giddy feeling back that I love.  I feel like I almost get there and then...crash and burn.  Don't get me wrong...my life is still a blessing.  It is just not the way that it used to be.  I just can't remember what it feels like to not have a constant worry.  Our biggest worry prior to this was the color of tile that we were going to use in our new kitchen.  The kitchen that is now being put on hold because of this...like everything else. I am feeling very angry right now.  I was reading this article about another survivor last night.  She was talking about how scary it was to find out that she had breast cancer at such a young age.  I got angry at her because she was 38...that is a whole 11 years more that she had without this worry.  I know that it was also a very awful time for her...I KNOW, but I still just got a little jealous and bitter.  Do I feel good about that?  NO!  I feel awful about those thoughts, but I just can't get past that bitter and angry feeling.  I know that NO ONE deserves this and that there are a lot of people in much worse situations, but this is MY situation and I am not happy about it.  I need to get past this so I can make peace with it.  IT IS HAPPENING!  IT IS!  I am just so sick of hearing, oh...you are so young, or oh...you are just a baby...or oh...that just isn't fair...REALLY!?  I know that. Believe me, I do.  I think about it every minute of every day.  Especially when I look at the cutest baby on the planet. 

Whooo!  I surprisingly feel better.  I am doing this.  I have stopped saying I am going to do this...I AM doing this.  It is here.  Tomorrow, is the first session to kick this cancer in the balls!  We are going to do this.  Everyone around me is affected by this and we will all get through it.  WE WILL!  I now need to try to think about the positive things that are going to come out of this.  I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED!  This is a gift.  Every little thing in life is precious.  I will take this as a blessing.  I am thankful for everything that I have been given.  I am continuing to pray every minute for the strength, patience, willpower, peace, understanding, trust, and healing power to be able to live a better life when this is over.  There are so many things that I want to do now.  Things that I should have been doing before.